I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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