I met the friendliest cop last night
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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