You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
