By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I supernannyed him into submission
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
