Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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