Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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