be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
