you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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