Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My ATM looks so different sober.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
