I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
