I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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