Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
