Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
