I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
