so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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