just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
