Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
