You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
