Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
