Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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