I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
