the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
