I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
