My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
