no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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