and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
