You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
