Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
