I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
