Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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