Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
