just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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