god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
