My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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