There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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