I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
