Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
