I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
