the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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