I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You left your phone here
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