I wish I could punch you in the face.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
