can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
