then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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