have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
