my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
