i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
