I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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