Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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