I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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