I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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