no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
