I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
