I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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