They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
