I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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