Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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