I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
