Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
