I just saw a hot homeless man
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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