she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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