I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
