she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
