I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
