Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
