I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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